


Everything's Going to be Fine

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [22]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comfort/Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shortly after they reconcile, Kaidan has to help Shepard through a difficult night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

If there's one thing he had become accustomed to over the past few years, it was a complete and utter lack of proper sleep. Not only were sleeper pods the most uncomfortable way in existence to spend the night, he also probably held some sort of record for not being able to stop thinking. After the original Normandy blew up, all Kaidan could think of – and dream of – was Kaelia.

Two years of nightmares, of reliving the loss; two years of waking up to be brokenhearted all over again after dreaming that none of it had ever happened. After he saw her again on Horizon, with _Cerberus,_ a near breakdown followed. Sleep was even harder because then he began dreaming of their scientists cutting her up and implanting her with control chips. _Then_ a few months later he was told that she had blown up an entire solar system.

 _Kaelia_? Do that? No, even she would never go that far. The woman Kaidan loved had always looked for the best way out of a problem, even if it wasn't the easy path. It was part of the reason he fell for her. She was indomitable, driven, honest. He had only ever doubted her judgment once when she had shot that gang member, Finch, after he tried to blackmail her. But every other time a hard decision had to be made? She specifically went out of her way to help: the gas grenades on Feros, getting the cure for those poisoned scientists on Noveria, choosing to save a group of hostages over killing a slaver. Kaelia had repeatedly put herself in danger rather than let civilians die, regardless of their race; hell, she gave the rachni a second chance. The thought of her killing hundreds of thousands of civilians, batarian or not, was just…unbelievable. He began to question if Cerberus _had_ changed her somehow.

If she _did_ destroy a whole colony of civilians – and he refused to believe it until he saw her say it herself – she had to have the best justification in history. If she didn't, Kaidan didn't think he could recover. The woman he loved, the woman he _respected,_ would be completely dead to him. And this time he wouldn't have good memories to cling to.

True to what he hoped was the case, he did believe her reason. He watched the whole trial from his temp housing in Vancouver. Kaidan would be the first to admit that he was a coward about it, but he just couldn't stand the thought of being in the same room as her. It wasn't because he was upset at her, or even disgusted with her actions; it was because he didn't trust himself.

It was hard enough watching her on the holo-channel. More than once, he was blindsided by just how much she seemed like the same woman: fiery, completely convinced in what she told the prosecutors. Focused on the Reaper threat. It occurred to him that maybe Cerberus really _did_ just fix her; there was no way they would have implanted her with any kind of control chip and then let her run around on galactic news stations, airing out their secrets.

That was when he found out that she had taken a team through the Omega Four Relay and _made it back._ Not only did she make it back, but she destroyed the Collector home world in the process! The thought of her actually doing something that dangerous immediately made him nauseous. The Admirals quickly shut down that line of questioning, which meant it was classified…and therefore probably true. She was held in contempt for getting upset over their keeping it quiet. Leave it to her to do something that stupid and make it back in time to yell at everyone else for not preparing more.

Nothing could have prepared the galaxy for a Reaper invasion, not even her. She had bought everyone some time with the desperate maneuver, but most of it was piddled away in a mire of politics and appeasing the rest of the galaxy. That was about the time Anderson promoted Kaidan and took him under his wing; said that they needed more people he could trust to take the Reaper threat seriously. Kaidan still wondered if he had really earned the rank of Major, but Anderson wasn't the kind of person you said 'no' to. He's one tenacious old guy…probably why he and Kaelia always got along so well.

Kaidan groaned and pushed the sleeper pod open. Enough dwelling on things that had already happened, he needed to get out and walk. A quick biotic shake wouldn't be amiss, either. As he walked along, he took note of which officers weren't sleeping at the moment: Cortez, Joker and Adams. Well, that wasn't surprising. They were the three worst workaholics on the ship. Hmm, where was the mess hall again? The layout was different enough from the Normandy SR-1 that he always did a double take.

"Major Alenko, do you require assistance?"

EDI's voice rang through the speaker above him, making Kaidan jump. _Dammit, I'm not used to that yet._ "Uh…yeah, I guess. Where's the mess?" The AI hadn't stopped creeping him out yet; the only other artificial intelligence he had encountered was the Geth…and they weren't exactly on good terms.

"It is up one floor and to the left once you exit the elevator."

An awkward pause hung in the air. "To the left… Thanks." He hesitated before adding her name. "EDI."

"I understand your hesitation, Major Alenko; please do not feel intimidated by my presence."

Well, that's just creepy. It could tell when he was upset about it being here? "I'm just having trouble sleeping, don't worry about it." He had no idea why he wanted to appease it, but the excuse slipped out anyway. The trip to the elevator was uneventful, doors silently sliding open. A few long moments later, his curiosity got the better of him. "So, how do you know I'm…uncomfortable?"

He probably shouldn't be asking the unshackled AI why it knows he doesn't like it, but too late. He just did. At least the ship wasn't big enough that he'd die from the fall if he pissed it off and it decided to snap the elevator cable or something.

"You exhibit the same behavioral signs that Shepard first showed when we were introduced. I hope that in time, you will also learn that I do not intend any member of my crew harm."

Well, _that_ was surprising. He stared at the speaker. So Kaelia had the same reaction in the beginning? That made a little more sense; she hated the Geth even more than he did. Seeing her be so…friendly with an AI had unnerved him earlier. "Uh, thanks, EDI. We'll see what happens."

"If you are unaware, Shepard is currently in the mess hall."

Did its voice have a note of _teasing_ to it? What did she tell it? His feet carried him to the mess hall and he silently slipped through the open archway, eyes immediately drawn to an orange glow. There she was, looking at statistics on the Crucible in the dark. He couldn't help but smile as he headed to stand in front of her.

[====]

"Some things never change; you work too hard."

Kaidan's voice made her jump. She looked up and saw him smiling wryly at her. A hand reached to scratch the back of his neck as he sat next to her. The scenario was eerily similar to how they first grew close: hiding in the mess hall to stay up late talking. The image was complete when she reached back to grab and take a sip of her tea. "Well, someone has to."

"Just don't wear yourself too thin. I don't want to have to convince Chakwas to order you off duty for a few days due to stress." While his voice was light, there was something underneath it that made her wonder if Kaidan really _would_ try it if he had to.

Shepard shrugged before taking a large gulp this time. The tea had cooled a bit. "I'm fine. I know my limits." She twitched as his fingers found their way to her cheek. Her stomach twisted when she realized what they were doing: gently caressing her cybernetic scars. Most, including her, considered Shepard a confident, hardheaded person who had little to no fear, laughing in the face of overwhelming odds. She liked to think of that persona as true, but the sudden trepidation gripping her told her that she still had some weaknesses.

Few people asked about the glowing lines that had slowly begun to reform; either they thought it would be rude to do so, or they didn't want to hear the answer. Chakwas had told her they were reappearing due to stress, but there was just nothing to be done about that – it wasn't worth the resources to fix and she could de-stress once the Reapers were defeated. Like she told Garrus after Tuchanka: she'll sleep when she's dead.

"I know that you know your limits; I also know you always go right past them." His voice cut through her defenses, whispered and worried.

None of the rationalizations eased her mind as the one person she had trusted with her heart silently traced the one outward reminder of her mortality. The scars that were only there because she had _died_ and was brought back to life. Twisting her head to look at him, she decided to try humor to diffuse the situation. "Guess I qualify as a night light, too."

Kaidan frowned and stood back up, holding his hand out to her. "Come on."

"…Major?" Her voice took on a warning tone; they could be walked in on at any minute.

A frustrated roll of the eyes later, he sighed and raised his voice again. "I need to discuss something of importance with you. Can we speak privately?" His hand motioned again, offering to help her up.

She took it and they collided into each other…exactly like before Flux. Before they almost kissed for the first time. She wasn't sure if all these memories were popping up because of nostalgia or because they were both inadvertently falling back into their original pattern of sneaking around. Their eyes locked, time standing still for a brief moment. They were clearly out of practice at keeping up appearances.

He took a step back and motioned for her to lead. "After you, Commander."

Some semblance of professionalism regained, she nodded and led him out toward the elevator. "So, I think that if Hackett doesn't contact us soon and we don't find any leads, we need to start moving into Reaper-controlled systems to execute guerilla-style attacks. Throw them off guard, give people a chance to regroup." The plan was bold, borderline idiotic; exactly what she would normally come up with. It was the perfect thing to discuss while pretending to talk about business.

"That's…insane, Shepard. I don't know."

She smirked and smacked the elevator button, turning to watch him with crossed arms as the elevator descended to their floor. "I'm single-handedly trying to unite the entire galaxy to fight extra-galactic war machines from dark space. _Everything_ is insane right now."

He acquiesced with a small shrug and chuckle. "Fair enough. Any systems in mind?"

Shepard shook her head and stepped into the elevator. "Nope, not yet. Any you're thinking of?"

"None off the top of my head, but it couldn't hurt to look at some of the colony worlds. Maybe Feros?" Kaidan reached to push the button for the loft's floor.

Now that they were actually talking about it, she began to calculate what she knew about currently occupied systems. Yes, Feros would be a good candidate; they still had some fighting on the ground, and any diversion or pickup could only help. "Sounds good. What systems are nearby?"

He didn't respond, instead walking out of the elevator and waiting for her outside her room's door. She was clearly not going to be able to dissuade him from scolding her about stress or whatever; she sighed and headed to unlock the loft.

As soon as the doors swished shut behind them, Kaidan began to turn and pull her into his arms. While Shepard was very much so okay with that, she still held a hand up to his chest, pushing him back. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

Kaidan took a step back at that, hands jabbing into his pockets. She'd bet he was trying not to look suspicious of EDI. They hadn't talked about it yet, but she knew he didn't like having the AI on the Normandy. She couldn't really blame him; he hadn't gotten to know EDI yet. It took months before she trusted EDI, much less be okay with the fact that she was unshackled. But he was a reasonable person and they'd get along in time. Hopefully.

Her throat cleared. "I'm going to need some privacy. Please log me out completely." She could _feel_ Kaidan watching, perplexed.

EDI paused for a moment, the artificial voice laced with what Shepard would've sworn was curiosity. "I will do so, but may I ask a favor?"

"Shoot."

"I do not understand…"

She laughed. "Sorry, human phrase. It means 'go ahead.' It's from sports, telling someone to go for it."

EDI seemed grateful for the explanation. "I would like to ask your opinion on relationships the next we are able to converse away from Jeff."

The room fell to silence for a few moments. She shot Kaidan a glance; he looked as confused as she was. Well, it couldn't hurt, could it? Shrugging, she nodded. "Sure, but I'm not the best example of a healthy relationship." He crossed his arms at that, mock-offense on his face. Shepard had to stifle a snicker.

"I believe you are more qualified than most to advise me on this matter."

Well, that made it even weirder. Oh well. "If you say so, EDI."

"I do. Thank you, Shepard. Logging you out."

Kaidan walked over again and scratched his temple. "So, uh. What was that about?"

"Hell if I know." She stood back, arms crossed. "About those systems…"

"Oh, no. You're not getting out of this one." He recovered the step she had just retreated, hands gently pushing her to face him.

The air around them immediately crackled, her skin tingling at his touch. She was immediately lost in his eyes. "Kaidan, I…"

A forefinger brushed down a cheek, silencing her by pressing against her lips. "We're locked in your room and surveillance is off. Remember our promise?"

She knew exactly which promise he meant: they agreed to completely forget the outside world any time they were truly alone. Those moments were rare enough when that promise was made, and they would probably be even rarer now. A small part of her was annoyed that within a day of them agreeing to be together again, he was already hauling her off to scold her about taking care of herself. She tilted her chin up defiantly.

"Which one?"

Kaidan knew her far too well; instead of getting angry at her lashing out, he just dropped his hands to her sides and pulled her into a hug. His whisper barely made it through the hair covering her ear. "I love you. Let me take care of you."

She wanted to melt, right then and there. Pushing him back to catch his eye, she smiled. "Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you." Her eyes involuntarily closed when he lifted a hand to cup her face.

The next thing Shepard knew, his lips were on hers. The shock jolted straight down her back, fingers digging into his shirt with surprise.

* * *

Home. It didn't matter how lame or corny the concept sounded to anyone else: the second Kaidan pressed his lips against hers, he was home again. When his hand slid back to embed fingers in her hair, she sank as her knees buckled a little. The simple, tiny dip broke his dam of restraint. His other arm went around her waist, hauling Kaelia against him. For years he had dreamt of having her back; he wasn't entirely sure he wasn't still dreaming. If he was, he never wanted to wake up.

Heat flooded his body when she responded by sliding her hands up his back and softly scratching down. Another slow, glorious, tortuous moment of lips and tongues playing against each other passed before she gently pushed him away to take a deep breath.

"…Kaidan." The breathless whisper that floated from her lips made him fall in love with her all over again. "I…"

A second later, he realized that she was slowly pulling away. He frowned. "What's wrong?"

The faint smile she sent his way kept panic from setting in. Whatever it was, it wasn't that bad. "I want to, but I just need a little more time. Okay?" She paused and reached to hold his hands, eyes focused on the ground. "I obviously haven't…done anything since my reconstruction, and I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm still not used to it, my old scars and birthmarks being gone. I don't want you to be disappointed."

So that's what it was. Rarely did she open up like this, even to him. Admitting she was scared to be intimate, much less scared that he wouldn't find her attractive, was a big step. It seemed like a pointless concern; even if she didn't have the scars or spots he remembered, all that said to him was that he had a whole new canvas to explore and memorize. There was no downside in that, in his opinion. Better to not actually say that, though. Instead of answering, Kaidan leaned to kiss a forehead that glowed through cracked skin.

Green eyes looked up with a smile when he didn't push the issue further. There were times it was good to talk out feelings, and this was not one of those times. If she needed him to wait…hell, he'd waited for two years. A little while longer wouldn't kill him.

She pulled him close again, arms holding him tightly. "Thank you."

"Can I still stay? That bed looks a lot more comfortable than the last one, much less my sleeper pod."

Kaelia laughed quietly. "Alright, alright." Taking his hand again, she led him down the small set of stairs and sat on the bed.

Sitting next to her, his back practically creaked in joy. That bed was _so_ much better than anything he'd used in a very long time. Kaidan looped his arm around her back, hand snaking to cover the one she had used to prop herself up. "Did the nightmares of the cipher ever go away?"

A visible flinch marred her features at the word 'nightmares.' _That_ question was answered. She sighed and moved his arm out of the way, crawling to lie down.

"I'll take that as a no." Kaidan lay down next to her, wrapping his arms around and holding her close. "Have you been sleeping enough? Maybe that's part of why your scarring hasn't healed."

Her head quickly shook. "No, I talked to Chakwas about that. She said it's just stress…and there's nothing I can do about that until the Reapers are gone. I hope."

He offered her a comforting squeeze and nuzzled his face in her hair. "Well, I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. Sleep without fear."

"I'll try."

They laid in content silence, taking solace in just _being_ together, arms and legs intertwined, until sleep took them both.

 


	2. Chapter 2

She stood on Earth, unarmed and in the dark gray military-issue jumpsuits she always wore during Basic. The world around her burned, black and dead illuminated by tendrils of flame.

**_You cannot stop us, Shepard._ **

Her head shot up and green eyes scanned the sky. Thick, black clouds rolled through the air; she couldn't see anything. Where was that voice coming from?

**_Your worlds will become our laboratories._ **

The deep growl resonated behind her. She whipped around, gun in hand. Where did she get a gun? Who cared, no point in looking a gun-horse in the mouth. On pure instinct, she leveled it and dropped the safety. Was that Harbinger's "voice?"

**_You have merely delayed the inevitable._ **

A figure emerged from the smoke.  _She_  emerged from the smoke, disfigured and broken. Red cybernetic eyes glowed beneath green pupils and bright orange scars dug deep into her skin. It was like looking into a mirror from hell. "Who are you? What do you want?!"

**_Assuming control of this form._ **

Like a puppet on a string, the other her began to twitch and convulse; arms and legs jerked around as a helpless scream screeched. Panic set in and she ran in the opposite direction, into the smoke…only to be stopped short when she collided with someone. Her heart stopped in her chest. It was Kaidan, but it wasn't Kaidan. He was…deformed like the other. Scars, glowing eyes. "Kaidan, what the hell?! Are you okay?" He stared at her with a blank expression. "Talk to me!"

**_You cannot resist._ **

That was definitely Harbinger's voice. "No!" She reached for 'Kaidan' and began to drag him along with her. "You are  _not_  taking him." They almost immediately reached another clearing of the mist. In the center stood Ashley, covered in burns. Half of her armor was melted off, the rest fused to her skin. Bone and flesh protruded from gashes. Exactly how she would have looked…after Virmire…

All the blood rushed from her face, a cold chill rippling down her body. Shock and bile churned in her stomach as she watched Ashley clench a bony fist. Guilt wracked her as her knees gave out, body tumbling to the ground. "I'm sorry, Ash. I…I didn't want to leave you behind."

Ashley stood still, staring at her. Angry. Accusing. Silent. Her eyes slowly shifted from Shepard to the scarred Kaidan standing behind her. Horrified realization dawned. "No! No, I didn't go back to the bomb because of me and Kaidan!" She stood back up, holding a hand out to her friend. The memory of watching the nuclear device detonate on Virmire flashed through her mind, that sick feeling creeping up her throat. She barely managed to whisper, "Ash, you know me better than that. I wouldn't… No! Please believe me."

The only response she received was a slow turning of the back as Ashley walked away from the two of them. Panic, frustration, fear, confusion; they all faded away. All that was left was emptiness. Did Ash actually feel that way? She had to know Shepard wouldn't do that. She'd gladly have taken Ash's place if it meant they both could have survived…

**_And now you stand alone, Shepard._ **

No. No, she wasn't alone. She couldn't be. Not as long as she had Kaidan. She turned and reached for him, only to grasp air. He was gone? Where did he go? Did Harbinger take him? Her legs carried her back into the mist, arms trying to wave it away. "Kaidan! Where are you?!"

Without warning, she tripped over something and fell to the ground in a heap of limbs. Looking back, her stomach fell through the floor. It was Kaidan.  _Kaidan,_  not some…cybernetic version of him. Kaidan…from back on Mars. Bruised, beaten. Dead? No! She rushed to check his breathing, his pulse; nothing. Kaidan was dead? No. No, no, no… This wasn't happening. It wasn't!

She pulled his head into her lap. "Kaidan, wake up. Wake up!" Fingers peeled eyelids back, empty brown eyes staring up at her. Shepard frantically shook him, gravity pulling his dead weight off her legs. "You can't be dead, I saved you on Mars. Remember the Citadel? We talked after you woke up." Anger bubbled up from the sick feeling in her stomach. She yelled, refusing to believe it. "You can't be dead! I saved you! Wake up, god damn it!"

**_You will know pain, Shepard._ **

* * *

A faint groan and movement jarred him out of blissfully dreamless sleep. Wait, where was he? It took a few moments for Kaidan's eyes to adjust and brain to kick in gear. He was in a bed and…who was next to h– Oh, Kaelia…  _Lia?_

He leaned back and watched the woman in his arms with concern as she grunted and fought against an invisible foe. Clearly she was having a nightmare, but this one seemed different from the dreams she used to have after the cipher. Those were quiet, pained sounds; whimpering and light tossing in bed. This was…not the same. An already stressed but beautiful face was twisted with anger, arms softly pounding against his chest. What was wrong?

It was never in question if the woman behind Commander Shepard could handle the burden of command; she was born to do it. But the more Kaidan had gotten close to her, saw past the façade, he had begun to realize that there were certain things that still cut her deep. He knew that her childhood on the streets didn't bother her for the most part, but the thought of being out in the cold all night made her more irritable than most. She could handle being ordered around, but not being in  _control_  of a situation drove her mad. The cipher she willingly burned into her mind – "it was necessary," she told him – haunted her for weeks. Nightmares plagued the woman, cutting into her sleep and stressing her out.

She had given up everything to fight the Reapers: any chance at normalcy, her reputation, letting her mind be her own…even her own life. It didn't matter how much he tried back when they were on the original Normandy; she was too much in control of it all. The best he could do was support her in whatever decision she made and hope it was enough. That was years ago, though, and he had grown since then. They were both Spectres, and he actually outranked her this time. The stakes were higher than ever, and as he tried to pull her close, hands soothingly running over her hair and back, Kaidan realized just how much she was shouldering by herself. He had to push her to share some of it. With him, if no one else.

"Hey. Lia, wake up." He pulled his arm from under Kaelia and the loss of support finally woke her with a start. "It was just a dream. I'm here." Wide eyes stared at him as she reached to touch his face. She looked like she couldn't believe he was there. It must have been a bad one.

* * *

Everything shifted and she was ripped back to consciousness. What had…who was with her? A bleary, wide eyed blink later, Kaidan swam into focus. Kaidan…was here? Her fingers lifted and brushed his cheek. He was real. She stared at his lips, feeling the breath escape them. He was  _alive_. It was only a dream.

Ash flashed through her mind again, guilt gripping her. The concerned look he gave her made it all the worse; she tried to twist around and hope that he wouldn't press her, but she couldn't even move. He had her firmly in place.

"Are you okay?" Brown eyes searched her face, worried. Of all the damn nights to have a bad nightmare, it had to be tonight. Her mind couldn't even let her have one calm night, safe in his arms.

She shook her head and lowered her eyes to his chest, the one safe area she could get lost in. "Nightmare." That single word couldn't possibly encompass whatever just happened. It was the worst one yet. She'd never had one that bad before; usually it was watching helplessly as Earth burned or the Normandy was destroyed, but that? That dream actually shook her to the core. She hadn't dreamt of Ash in a long time, and the…mechanical her and Kaidan? What the hell was that?

Kaidan sighed and pulled her close, gently smooshing her face against his shoulder. The feel of his lips pressing against her temple grounded her far more than she wanted to admit. "It was just a dream. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Everything's going to be fine."

It  _was_  just a dream. He wasn't going anywhere and she would be safe with him. But everything was not going to be fine. She  _wanted_  to believe him, but knew it wasn't true. There had already been sacrifices since the Reapers arrived, all of them out of her control: the countless people left on Earth, the Primarch's son, Thane…Mordin. Optimism aside, they both knew things were only going to get worse from here on out. Every decision she made, every single act of defiance against the Reapers, would affect more lives. Either of  _them_  could die at any moment. Years ago when Kaidan asked how she was dealing with Ash's death, she told him that she would do better next time, in their friend's memory. "Better" wasn't cutting it anymore.

His fingers began to massage into her back, derailing her thoughts. After taking a deep breath, his spicy and familiar scent brought a small measure of peace. Shepard decided that now was the time for blind faith. There were only four people in the galaxy whose word she would trust on the battlefield, no matter how ridiculous it sounded: Hackett, Anderson, Kaidan and Garrus. There was only one person she trusted enough to let him lie to her. Years ago during the Normandy's lockdown, she had pleaded with him to lie to her and tell her that everything was going to be alright. As that man held her tightly once again, she closed her eyes and let herself believe him a second time.

Everything was going to be fine.


End file.
